The holidays can be really tough on couples, whether you are celebrating the same religions or not. For Ginger and I, the holidays are colored by trying to figure out this interfaith family we have created. Ginger was raised Jewish, and I’m converting. On the Hanukkah side of things, the holidays are really exciting to me. It’s a time to explore my new faith and culture with the yummiest fried foods and big roasts. Christmas was always about food and cooking for me growing up, and it’s a pretty easy switch to put that energy into latkes, prime rib, and rugelach. Hanukkah, like New Year’s, is our holiday, just the two of us and our friends.
Last year, we finally forged the holiday compromise: Thanksgiving would be with Ginger’s family, and Christmas would be with my parents. It was so hard to make that compromise- Thanksgiving would never be the same for me. For Ginger, Christmas had to be celebrated every year, something she had tried hard to avoid her whole life. It seemed so difficult that the hard stuff had to end with the compromise, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. Every year still brings with it little deaths and little births. A new family tradition for Hannukah, followed by the reminder that Christmas music wouldn’t be appropriate to play in our Jewish home. “Silent Night,” my childhood lullaby, doesn’t fit into my home life anymore. And, the smell of an evergreen won’t ever be welcoming me back from a long, winter day.
Then Christmas comes, and we fly to be with my parents. It’s like being a visitor at a Christmas celebration, it’s wonderful, but it isn’t ours. We have a Jewish home, and yet, an interfaith family. We dug through the emotions that come with each holiday season this year by attending my conversion class together, and then hashing out our feelings over bagels and lox. I don’t think this will be that last challenging holiday, but talking it over seems to help.
It’s so unfortunate that your relationship has required you give up things that you love. While compromise is probably the single most important skill in a relationship, it shouldn’t mean abandoning important things you love wholesale. Why can’t Christmas be celebrated in a Jewish home? Interfaith should mean two faiths joining in the love of your relationship, not one faith destroying another.
I’m an atheist who celebrates a secular Christmas and loves all the winter holidays and it makes me so, so sad that you’ve stripped away something you obviously care deeply about.
I agree with Ash. Relationships are about working together and the big word of, “compromise”. I know at this moment in time it seems OK to convert etc. but please don’t completely abandon your tradition(s). Your partner fell in love with you because of who YOU were/are not what religious practices you had (the same goes for you :)).
The first Xmas my husband and I spent together I went to midnight mass with him (I was brought up Baptist) but didn’t fit in too well (didn’t kneel, didn’t take communion) so that was the last time. Luckily he’s converted to my religion (Atheism) so we don’t have that problem anymore.
Holidays can be hard but I think fiancee and I did it pretty well this year. I don’t think we’ll have a set way of doing it every year, it just depends on what finances are like and where we are in our lives… Maybe that will change someday, who knows? Last year we were in Maryland for all the holidays except my birthday, because we lived in Maryland where her family is. For my birthday we flew home and it was the only time we saw my family. This year we’re living on the west coast and flew to California to be with my family for Thanksgiving. We had a quiet chanukah at home just the two of us, right after we bought my first ever Christmas tree. Her mom (who is Christian) sent us eight presents each (one for each night Chanuka) plus Advent calendars and money for an xmas tree. It allowed us to celebrate our ChanuChrismakah which really worked for us. We decorated the tree with some new ornaments we purchased as well as ones from fiancee’s childhood and her mom came to visit right before Christmas. On Christmas day, just the two of us opened stockings, went out to breakfast and then opened Christmas presents and saw a movie later. Obviously the combined holidays don’t work for everyone but we all figure out our own ways of combining old traditions with the new ones.
Sorry for the long comment!
Sorry I forgot to mention we lit chanukah candles each night, and we do Shabbat just the two of us every Friday. It works for us. She loves learning about Judaism and I love learning about her family traditions even though she’s not religious.
I think that having an interfaith household can be a challenge so I think it is great that you and Ginger can talk about it, though it also makes me a little sad that you feel that you can’t have that tree in your home because you are converting to Judaism.
I am in an interfaith relationship also and because traditions that we grew up with are important to both Meridyth and myself we do both! We do Christmas and Chanukah and Easter and the Jewish holidays. I have enjoyed so much sharing my traditions with Mer and she seems to enjoy learning about mine as well, though synagogue is still hard for her to get used too. I do think she likes the Chanukah candles more than I do!
Also, I am a Jew that loves loves Christmas and all things to do with it so it has been a great excuse to have a “Chanukah bush” and play Christmas carols while we decorate it.
For us talking about our religions and learning to be open to traditions even if they seems strange to us has really helped us forge a strong interfaith household. I think it is so individual and it is what works for each couple so I hope that the holiday’s become easier for both of you.
I converted to Judaism after 3 years of taking classes and thinking long and hard about why/if I wanted to convert. We now have a Jewish home and had a very traditional Jewish wedding. But my Rabbi and Natalie have both been more supportive of not doing away with every tradition I’m used to- like a christmas tree. However, Natalie’s father grew up in Poland, Israel, and Ukraine. Anti-semitism was rampant and alive so when he came to the US he was horrified by Jews who would put up a christmas tree. He still is. And I felt that rub off on me.
For the first time ever, I didn’t have a tree this year. And I’m pretty sure I won’t again. It’s a struggle I have had and sounds like you are having. And don’t feel like you have to give things up from your past- but also remember that you are starting new traditions and new things, just like a new marriage. I am trying to find new things to replace old things- like the Hanukkah Pandora station played in our home for 3 weeks to get me in the mood. I bought a candle that smells like evergreen and loved it and was happy to have the smell minus the tree.
Talk about it more in your conversion class- I talked about it a lot with my Rabbi. And having someone to listen other than your partner and family can be great sometimes to give you perspective.
@Ash- Our relationship hasn’t forced me to give Christmas up, though maybe I should have been more clear about that. Ginger and I would happily be marrying in May whether I converted to Judaism or not. We have been together for six years, and I’ve been on my own spiritual path toward Judaism for the last 2 and half or so years. I’ve put lots of thought and soul seeking into the decision to convert. Ginger actually made a big surprise out of getting me a Christmas tree our first year together in our first apartment. New this year I decided to forgo Christmas traditions at home. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think it’s the right decision for me, but it doesn’t keep it from being hard.
@RedSiamese- In my case, it was a personal decision that as a Jew, I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas traditions at home. Relationships are most certainly a compromise, and trust me I wouldn’t be marrying her if she told me, “My way or the highway,” on religion or anything else.
@Jessica- Maybe in the future I’ll change my mind, but right now, it feels right to skip the Christmas tree at home. Right, but hard. I still wake up on Christmas at my parent’s house with an enormous tree, tons of presents, and stocking (even one for Ginger) so I’m not totally missing out.
@Kelly- We have a lot in common on this, and it’s nice to see I’m not alone. Definitely listening to that Pandora station and getting a evergreen candle next year! I think it can be seen as disingenuous to keep Christian traditions in our Jewish home. It’s not really fair to Christians, whose symbols are being stripped of their meaning and co-opted. And, it’s not really fair to my own Judaism, because I’m missing all the other fun holidays I could be putting my energy into. But no one ever says, “You shouldn’t be forced to give up sukkot! Not sukkot!” And how cool a holiday is that- making a tent, hanging out, and enjoying life.
I think each family has to do what works for them. I’m from an interfaith family and last Christmas we actually made a Star of David Tree Topper for our Christmas tree which allowed our interfaith family to incorporate the Jewish and Christian traditions together.
My friends who are also interfaith liked the idea so much that they convinced me to make and sell the tree toppers.
Check out the site at http://www.yourtreedition.com. The holidays can be pretty stressful when it comes to balancing different religions, but we’ve made it work.
-Raph