Reflections on Gender Identity, Masculinity and an ultra-feminine past
I have looked for countless days and months to find something to wear for our wedding. The problem is I won’t be wearing a dress- if only it were that simple, I could have one picked out in 10 minutes. But alas, the last time I wore a dress I was told I looked like a really bad drag queen- and I agree. The last serious time I wore a dress was when I was 18 and graduating from high school- an all girl’s prep school in Connecticut (whose famous alumni include Jackie Kennedy Onassis). It was a finishing school, and let me tell you, I came out of that place definitely as unfinished as a raggedy un-upholstered sofa from the 70s.
Miss Porter’s High School Graduation-2004
So I guess this is more than just finding the right Jones New York pant suit that doesn’t scream 36 year-old breadwinning soccer mom. This is a manifestation of my ongoing struggle with my own body. I am a masculine identified woman, which is a lot for the average Joe to comprehend. People ask me, “So are you the boy in the relationship?”- Well no, we are both girls. But instead of explaining the whole lesbian relationship dynamic of a butch/femme, I just nod my head and reply “Kind of…but I’m totally the little spoon.” Usually I don’t get any follow up questions.
Out for drinks in Boston with friends- 2009
So a few days ago I received my wedding outfit in the mail from J Crew- I ordered a vest and pant set (with the option to order the sports coat if the everything else fit.) I refused to try it on for over a week.
My Outfit from J Crew still in the box and wrapping
And finally Christina made me put it on. She was on the verge of tears- holding them back, she said, “I can’t wait to see you when it’s real.” But I felt empty- I felt like a little child putting on her dad’s shirt and oversized shoes. Awkward. I didn’t get that “wow” factor that Christina had when she found “the dress.” I want my “yes” moment- I constantly hear brides on TV say, “You just know when you’ve found the one.” Well, I guess I haven’t found mine yet. Or maybe I have, I just need to “grow” to love it.
This is what the get-up is supposed to look like, obviously on a male J. Crew model
Image from J. Crew Wedding Shop Website
Or how about this one- the male model sporting the vest and pants
Image from J. Crew Wedding Shop Website
After emailing my parents some photos of my suit, my mother asked, “Why don’t you wear a suit like Ellen Degeneres did?”A few things about my mother:
She came to America when she was 20 years old, with $5 in her pocket and without knowing anyone. She grew up on a farm in Poland where the only diverse person was the deaf guy down the road who was missing a limb. Fast-forward a few decades- it has taken my mother a good 8-10 years to finally be able to have a dialogue with me about sexuality. We usually only skim the surface of the issue, but to me this is far more than I could have ever asked for.
So, my mother’s beacon of gay-ness is Ellen Degeneres. (My mother often asks me if I want to have my own TV show like Ellen- my response, well yes mom that would be nice, if I were actually funny.)
My mom and I- 2008
So, fast forward a few weeks- I decide to order the jacket, so now I’ve got a 3 piece suit. In total I will be spending exponentially more on my outfit than Christina did on her dress.
Jacket: $248, Vest: $98, Pants: $118
Note: This does not include a white shirt, shoes, socks, tie, cuff-links, undergarments, etc.
Nothing like shopping for a wedding outfit to knock you back to financial reality.
Erica! Thank you for sharing your story! My wife is always seen as the “boy” in our relationship, too. And she also has her eye on a grey suit/pant combo for OUR wedding (btw, yours is super fierce)… I can’t wait to have her read your post! And thank you for being the voice for butch women. I know it’s a constant journey of finding yourself. Maybe if you get the suit tailored to fit a female figure you might feel even more WOW in it?
I have a gray vest with lapels that I’m going to wear in October…I think of it as a suit jacket without sleeves. I agree, tailoring for your body makes a huge difference!
I tried out my look (in blue) last year at my sister’s wedding, and that definitely helped me get over all of my own gender/body issues.
I think Ellen wears better outfits for her show (except when she wears a neck scarf!) than she did for her wedding…but maybe that’s just me.
That’s an awesome suit, but if it’s not your wow…keep looking. Check out Alfani RED at Macy’s. (P.S. don’t buy unless it’s on sale!)
Good luck.
My almost-wife and I are in the same boat! Sadly there aren’t any “Lesbians who want to look like Ellen Shop Here” stores (at least not where we live) which is quite challenging. I would love it if she wore an impeccably tailored vest and pant suit, but her mother wants her to wear a dress (white at the very least) so Ellen’s outfit is the inspiration for the compromise. If you have any good leads let us know!!
Btw, you could totally go with something similar to what you are wearing in the photo with your mom, swap the black jacket out for a lighter colored vest or jacket. Good luck!!
I think that’s a svelte suit, and I agree with Heather: “if it’s not your wow…keep looking.”
Were you comfortable in that picture with your mom? I’ve always thought that was a very “Ellen” outfit, and if you were, go with that!
If you’re confident in your outfit, it won’t matter how formal it is. You can rock a vest like nobody’s business. Good luck!
who knew i’m not the ONLY one having this SAME dilemna! great post – thanks for sharing and congrats!
Thanks for all the feedback guys- after re-reading my post this morning I decided to try on all 3 pieces together- and the verdict: I hate it. I don’t feel pretty/handsome/sexy/attractive in it at all. I feel awkward- like a little boy wearing a big man’s jacket.
The jacket is too bulky. The pants have a really low crotch. The vest buttons make me feel/look bloated.
So just when I thought I was set with my outfit, it’s back to the drawing board.
No worries, Bear (Michele Vines above), we’ll find your WOW outfit. Though, I wouldn’t mind you in your birthday suit…that’s my favorite! ;)
So, anyone want to pool finances and open “Lesbians Who Want to Look Like Ellen Shop Here” stores across the country – - brilliant idea, perfect name! =)
…hang in there Erica!
Oof, this was SO hard for me! I ended up ordering something custom from Etsy and had a really good experience with it (email me if you want the info). It fit really well, they were awesome to work with, and it was much more affordable than J. Crew. But oh my goodness, what a challenge! I was hoping to click over here and find The Answer. Good luck with your search! You’ll find something and whatever it is, it’ll be just right.
Also, you look totally hot in that picture with your mom!! Love that outfit.
I’ve been loving this site, DapperQ. The tagline says “transgressing men’s fashion” and it’s the home of tons of great essays, how tos, and photo galleries. I haven’t spent much time there, but they have a special “gay weddings” section targeted to butch wedding gear–thought it might discuss some of the things you all bring up here. http://www.dapperq.com/category/gayweddings/
Erica your post is great and I loved seeing your 2004 photo :) Hearing your story about your mom is inspiring too. Thanks!
OMG I am getting married on 08/21/2011 – and I am wearing a very similar vest and pants from J. Crew. Only difference is I decided on the Irish Linen color scheme!!! Love the outfit.
So glad you wrote about this, as I just got back from the mall looking for something for my partner to wear. I have searched all over the web for something for her to wear. I thought about the exact suit you ordered from J. Crew, but wanted a cream color. The closest I have come is a suit from Ann Taylor. It wasn’t perfect so we are going to wait until Spring comes and there will hopefully be more options in cream. We also found some nice suits at Brooks Brothers. She has come to the realization that she will probably have to wear a woman’s suit, rather than a man’s because they don’t fit her right.
As for the Ellen comment from your mother, my mom brings that up every time we have a conversation about what Betsy is going to wear. She has googled the image several times to try and find a look alike outfit! Glad other people have shared the same experience. Good luck and post if you make any progress, I’d love the help!
Not sure if it helps but we asked a knowledgeable sales associate for idea under $ 500 and she recommended we look check out Hugo Boss suits and a Elie Tahari (the main website for this designer is worthless but there are some nice suits if you google it.)
Are you open to trying a more unorthodox wedding pantsuit-kinda outfit other than suit/vest/tie combination? Because your physique and style (from what I’ve gathered via the pictures you have posted), I think you’d rock a coat jacket, dress shirt/pant combo with a white silk scarf instead of the traditional 3-piece suit [invoke images of Brian Kinney during Justin's prom scene in QAF]. For me, it is another elegant alternative to tie/vest combo for formal occasions such as weddings.
Just a friendly suggestion though. Like what the others said, if you are uncomfortable with the outfit in any way, keep looking, because it is your special day and you want to be decked in something that makes you feel good as you pledge your life to the one you love. :)
-Xam
Thank you for sharing this story. My partner is also considered the “boy” in our relationship and goes through the same issues. We are planning our committment ceremony for Septemeber of this year. We have been planning since last April and she still does not know what she will wear. Your article helped me better understand what she is going through. Thanks.
Nothing is going to fit well off the rack!
I wish I had pictures of the before and after, but the tailor really helped the fit of my vest and pants. Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith and being able to tell the tailor how you want it to fit.
“Kind of…but I’m totally the little spoon.”
I died laughing. I think if you don’t feel crazy attractive then you should maybe look into some custom options? I think pants would be relatively easy to find, but maybe go with custom jacket?
Also, check out Anne Taylor/Anne Taylor Loft– I wore one of their suits for our engagement shoots and I felt really great and I think it was under $150. Good luck! I love your posts!
Thank you for writing this. Somehow you have managed to capture just about everything about my quest for a suit that doesn’t make me look like a 12-year-old boy – from the Ellen Degeneres comments, to the “man in the relationship” questions, to the freaking Connecticut prep school graduating in 2004 in a white dress! You’ve given me a bit more confidence in the whole ordeal, so again, thank you.
I completely relate. I’m still searching for an outfit. I suppose I’m the butch too. I tried wearing heels yesterday for work= epic fail. So, today I show up in my “Ellen” attire- pants, buton down sweater and converse-type sneakers. This may have to be my wedding attire too. I can’t think of anything worse than not feeling comfortable with who I am/ what I look like. I’ve spent too long trying to do that.
Any store suggestions are welcome!!
LMAO, I’m going through the same thing right now. My Partner and I found a little shop that handles custom wedding attire, and more importantly, they have a large Lesbian client base. I am so excited, but when I heard how much my outfit was going to set me back, well lets just say my head popped off..just a little