I briefly mentioned before that I don’t have the best relationships with my dad’s extended family. In fact, I really have no relationship with them and truth be told, it doesn’t bother me at all. Being that all of them except one claim religion when it is convenient for them, I’m sure they would love nothing more to decline any invitation of mine if given the opportunity.
Yet, my issue doesn’t stem from them but more from my dad’s second wife. I will refrain from going into detail about how I truly feel about her because I really could go on all day. This is going to be a totally random post but one that I have been marinating on a lot lately, I just want to make sure I don’t sound like I’m entering bridezilla territory. Okay, so I see my dad’s second wife as unstable and our relationship is shaky, which is putting it nicely. As I discussed before, my father agreed to come to wedding and perform his ‘fatherly’ duties, which makes me very happy but that also means she’ll be coming along for the ride. I know that the wedding won’t be an all day affair but she just really knows how to ruin a damn good time. I have witnessed this numerous times and I just know the type of person that she is.
For example, when I went up there in December – she kept complaining about how I ruined her entire “wedding”. I use quotes because they were already married since they went off and eloped and now she wanted to be queen for a day. Now, when they had their church wedding, I was in a very unhappy place. I lost my mother to cancer less than a year ago, I was in Georgia alone and things between my father and I were touchy. I actually didn’t want to be in any pictures and tried my best to stay out of them but from what she said, “I ruined everything!”
Flash forward to December 2010 and she obviously hadn’t let that go. Now, my issue with all this and my upcoming wedding is that after she heard about my upcoming nuptials, she decided she wanted to let us use their house for the reception (I have yet to say anything) and how happy she is. Bear in mind, that less than 24 hours before then she was griping about how I ruined her wedding. To put it blankly, I don’t trust her, I don’t like her and I don’t want her at the wedding. I also worry about what will happen when it comes to pictures of the wedding and ceremony. I realize that is a little far out but I was seriously considering telling her that I didn’t want her in any of the photos. Of course, I know that is not the best option but I really don’t put it past her to ruin something just to prove a point – she’s done things similar before.
My question is, how do skirt around a guest that you aren’t crazy about being there? Now, I don’t focus on this a lot – I am only bringing this up because I was talking to one of my best friends about family boundaries and she mentioned it. Mainly because my friend knows about the drama that has existed between us since she and my father got married.
I’m not sure I’m looking for answers but if anyone has had anything similar happen to them or someone they know, please share. I’ll be seeing them both sometime within the next month and I know she’ll want to discuss the wedding with me again. I’m also trying my best not to be petty but every memory I have with this woman has been a bad one basically.
Okay, end of rant. :)
From a wedding photographer perspective: by far the easiest thing to do is to take two pictures each time you have a group setup. Do one round where she’s in them, then have one round with just your dad. And later, you can just keep the ones that you want :) A good photographer will handle this with grace and not make it an issue at all!
I second Lara’s comment about the pictures.
Re: her hosting, I think you’re right to decline, given the relationship. I think Miss Manners would say something like, “Oh that is so thoughtful of you, but we couldn’t possibly put you to that trouble. But it was very generous of you to offer!” Basically, presume nothing but the best, and honor that intention. If she pushes, just keep repeating yourself.
Cynthia doll – it’s your wedding. Trust your instincts. A rat is a rat is a rat…sorry but it’s true. If you sense that she may sabotage your day for the sake of making a point, screw her! I don’t think you have to make allowances for her.
I have a particular family member who if I extend an invitation may lavish in the idea of attending and making it hell for me. Like joking at the part where they ask if any one objects…you know, trying to make it “funny” when everyone knows she will be speaking the truth from her perspective. This is my sister. We can’t stand each other and the fact that I’m marrying another woman is icing on her cake! Even though we can be “cordial” in each other’s presence, I am the anti-Christ in her eyes hahaha So, I told her that I will not even spend the money on printing and postage of an invitation to her and her family. While I love my nephews I have a right to protect my family, my wife, my child, from her potential destruction on what will be OUR happiest day! Simple for me! She doesn’t “deserve” any part of that from me. Sorry! I’m just that blunt and have no tolerance for the BS people try to tip-toe around to make it easier on others who wouldn’t do the same for them!
In terms of your situation I know you may be jeopardizing your dad not wanting to attend without her. If I were in your shoes I would express my concern to my dad, alone in a one on one, face to face, conversation and get his take on it. He may be able to say something to her to put a kabosh on anything she may be devising to attempt. Then again, he may side with you and say don’t invite her. Either way you’ll need to man up about how your feeling and the sooner the better. May the force be with you on this one :-) I know it’s easier said than done but you’ll be so relieved when you are past this point.
On a side note…ANY “new family” member, or anyone for that matter, who would not understand your grief in losing your mom a short time ago then having to attend your dad’s wedding…that’s hurtful man. I seriously have a problem with people who can make something like that all about themselves. Food for thought!
Do not accept her offer to host. You know she’ll just use that to complain to others in her martyrdom “well I had to take the high road and offer, even though she ruined MY wedding…” no way. You don’t want to hear that all day.
If you want your dad there, she’s part of the package. Unfortunately. This is when bridesmaids or bridesmen come in handy. Assign the friend she likes the most to “stepmom duty” to keep her away from you essentially. Then put her in charge of somethig minor (but make a big deal out of it) that takes place while you’re taking pictures. Cocktail hour or reception set up or something that she can’t screw up, doesn’t really require oversight, but gets her out of the pictures. If she gets in a few, no biggie.
No matter what, don’t let anyone ruin your wedding.
@Lara – Perfect. That is exactly what I plan to do IF she attends.
@Sarah – I’m horrible at being phony but I will try. I have a feeling my bluntness will come on through but I’ll try to be a lady about it.
@Tami – Girl! Trust me, I know. I could go on and on about this woman but I don’t want to bore the readers too much. I have tried to talk to my father about it but last time there was any discussion, he wants us to sit down ‘family style’ being that I don’t consider her family, it is hard to do. Last time that happened, I ended up being tag teamed about it, which was my “Coming Out Engayged” post. I have to come to the conclusion that you can’t reason with crazy and my father is passive-aggressive so I know what role he is going to take.
I do know that Lash knows (unfortunately) that I’m not making any of her crazy stuff up, she even ranted about her wedding in front of her! We are both out to make sure this day is about love. Eff her nonsense!
Oh, and I’m sorry to hear about your sister. It bothers me to hear about blood doing that to each other. Maybe I’m getting mellow with age (HA, NOT!) but after my mother died I realized how precious family relationships can be. Either way, sucks for your sister that she can’t be happy for you and your growing family.
Thanks Cynthia! I’m truly over her lol it’s more sad than anything but my life is wonderful and bearing fruit…her’s will go down the path she chooses based on her attitude.
Let us know how it turns out!
I just want to say that I identify with your posts. Thank you for sharing.
@Rebecca – Thank you for reading. :) It is nice to know others can relate, even if the situation is effed up.
I agree with the previous comments about graciously declining her offer to host anything for you. It sounds like she has been rude to you and ignored a lot of valid feelings that you’ve had. However, I think your attitude that she is not family is going to come back to bite you. (And if she’s family, she should be in family pictures.) If your dad’s marriage doesn’t make your step-mom part of the family, how can you expect your marriage to make your wife part of the family?
I agree with the two sets of pictures commenters (genius) and also think rising above it and giving her a task (that she can’t mess up/doesn’t matter if she does) seems wise…
Be the bigger person, it will make it SO much more obvious/satisfying if she tries anything rude or sneaky. And she’ll probably realize that and behave. I hope?!
@Carrie – She’s done too much damage for me to consider her family. I talked about her briefly before in my other post.
@Ms. Awesome – Yes, be the bigger person. I really am going to try!
Thanks for all the comments. You have all been wonderful.
Well just ignore her, but keep on the look out if she looks like she’s gonna cause drama just stop there and then….I think you should talk to your father in private when he is in a good mood. Let him know your likes and dislikes and expectation and ask him to talk to your step-mother and if your up to it talk to her too…Please..My gay brother(not biologically) have to run to D.C and get married cause his step-dad was planning to ruin his day. I wish you all the best and God’s Richest Blessings
I am a stepmother and a stepdaughter. I did not invite my stepmother, because I feared that she would start a brawl with my mother during my ceremony. I’m older now.
Part of maturing is gaining the realization that we are all responsible for our own choices, and the consequences that come with them. Too many decisions get made out of fear.
The consequence of my choice, which was based out of fear, was that my father walked me down the aisle but did not contribute one dime to my wedding. The other consequence was that it put more strain on an already strained relationship between us, and it took many years for that to heal.
What many stepdaughters do not realize is that if they choose to stay at odds with their stepmother, it makes having a healthy relationship with a person’s father very difficult. So I’d suggest that you take that into consideration when you make your final decision.
My guess, as a stepmother who is also hated by my stepdaughters and will someday be facing the situation from the other side, is that she will be quiet as a mouse that day, if she even comes at all. She will be highly outnumbered. There is no chance she’d mess with you on your big day. She’d have to know that the entire wedding party would beat her head in if she tried.
Going to a ceremony like this can be very difficult for someone who is not welcome. She’ll probably smile and nod to the best of her ability.
So my advice, from both ends of this blended stick, is that you go in the opposite direction. I would suggest that you are nice to her, deflect discussions when she brings up the past, invite her and like someone else said, take pics with her in them also. Put her mind at ease. I know that’s a lot to ask. That’s the beauty of digital cameras, you can take a million pics and dump 90% of them. However, if you are seriously going to omit any pic of her in it, I would refrain from showing her your wedding album later. My SM has never seen mine. Would be putting salt into the wound and I don’t want to do that.
I have a terrific relationship with my father. You’re not the only person who resents having a stepmother. It’s very common. However, if you allow your resentment to continue, ultimately, it’s your relationship with your father that will suffer. If you burn your SM enough, she can choose not to ever be in your presence. If she does that, your father will have to choose. If he sees you, it will have to be alone. There will always have to be workarounds. It can be tiring for all parties.
If you are nice (not just civil, which is the most my stepdaughters seem to be able to muster), your problems will get smaller, not bigger. It’s kinda like religion. If you tell a born again Christian that you’re an atheist, they will work their tails off to convert you. That can be exhausting. If you tell them you’re also a Christian, they have no more end goal. Everybody can peacefully co-exist.
And ultimately, your peace is what you should really be after.
One more thing, as you continue to grow, keep in mind that statistically, not every woman who is a stepmother could possibly be demon possessed and worthy of disrespect. The situation is far too complex. Intentions are at odds. The scenario is too, too common. Perceived slights account for so much of the hatred. Stepmothers are HATED around the world, and it’s acceptable to hate them. I used to feel the same way. I gained lots of empathy from others for having an evil stepmother. I thought I knew exactly how I’d never become one. And if you spoke to my three stepdaughters, you’d hear them say that I am the devil.
The best thing you can do is let go of the hate. Your dad is a man. Look at him differently now, more like someone you appreciate spending time with and that’s about it. Make it a positive situation. Hating his wife means you are stuck in child mode. It makes it almost impossible for everyone to move on. Your SM could be an idiot. We all deal with idiots every single day. Don’t give her comments so much weight.
My oldest stepdaughter is 29. She just told her father that I have castrated him and he needs to stand up to me. We’ve been married for 18 years. Imagine how out of bounds that comment sounds, coming from a grown woman. She’s supposed to be on her own, coming to visit on occasion. We’re not supposed to still be locked into this evil stepmother vs. spiteful stepdaughter mode, with daddy in the middle. We’re supposed to be able to live out the rest of our years in relative peace. And she needs to let go of her issues. They are holding her and the rest of us back.
Move forward in kindness, not in spite. You will win because of it.
First let me express my condolences on the loss of your mother.
I am a StepDad and as such I probably have a different perspective on this.
On the topic of Sparents and weddings …. This is your dad’s wife and as such she should be treated with the respect she is due as your father’s wife. I am not suggesting that she be put on a pedistal or otherwise honored but she should sit next to her husband during the ceremony and she should be included in the pictures. As another responder indicated, there is no requirement for you to order any pictures she is in.
Her issues with her interpretation of your behavior at her wedding aside, take the high road during your own wedding. Do not box her in to behaving at your wedding the way she believes that you did at hers.
I am not at all suggesting that BS from her should be tolerated. I am suggesting that there are some reasonable and simple ways to minimize any risks that she represents while preserving your relationship with your dad. Others have made good suggestions. Assign her favorite friend of yours to SM control duty. Give her a job (guest book attendent?), etc…
Make this a happy day and ignore any historical family drama and focus on starting your marriage to your man/partner on a pleasant note and not on a foundation of historical blended family drama.
Just my opinion course.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Best regards,