(Photo by Brooke Jensen)
I thought I’d take a little break this time from my usual “planning update” posts to write a little bit about why I am getting married and why its so important to me.
I have a co-worker who is well a trifle nosey and more than a little conservative who loves to prod me with wedding questions every time I see her. At first I felt that she was asking me so many questions because she herself had recently got married and wanted to offer advice and support, but as time has gone on she has slowly revealed that she is flat out questioning of my relationship and my right to marry. Its a minefield every conversation we have, in which I try not to trigger any bombs by only giving her as little information as I possibly can. However the other day she asked a doozey…
Coworker: So if your wedding is in California , it wont be a legal wedding, because the voters repealed the courts decision there. (SIDE BAR: Oh really? I hadn’t heard anything about that.) So if your wedding isn’t a legal one, why even bother?
I initially dodged her question when a work matter arose right at that moment, which was probably for the best since I might have for lack of a better term “ripped her a new a-hole”. But as the question simmered and congealed in my brain until I started to get really fired up. A straight couple would never be asked to defend the validity of their relationship in this way, and a I guess they would never have to since its all just wound up in a neat little legal bundle. After a few minutes I calmed down and decided to let the matter slide and I wouldn’t initiate the debate with my coworker for the time being.
It would be nice to say this is the first time I’ve encountered a question like that, but it isn’t. I’m sure it’s the same for many of the gay engaged couples out there, but how does one field this type of question politely? What are the answers? I cant really speak for anyone else but here is why I chose marriage, legal or not. LOVE.
(Photo by Brooke Jensen)
Remember that antiquated idea, that a couple joined their lives not for legal benefit but for sheer fact that that kind of commitment was important to them? Its something people so quickly lose sight of whilst defending of the legal equalities couples should have.
Joey and I will have been together for 5 years by the time we walk down the aisle, everyday with him is a treasure to me. This is the man who understands me more deeply and more intimately than anyone i’ve ever known. There is an argument that Joey and I could continue on living together unmarried and it would be no different. To an extent that’s true. I already consider him to be my husband and just because we stand in front of a religious figure and exchange vows doesn’t mean that’s going to change anything in our relationship, and I hope it doesn’t.
However it is important to me to pledge myself to this man for my whole life, it’s important to me to have my friends and my family there, and for me personally its spiritually important to have my relationship recognized by my own personal idea of God. I know a big part of the gay marriage debate is keeping religious beliefs out of the marriage laws (as they should be). But for me the non legal side of marriage is a deeply spiritual thing. I’m not a religious man but I do have faith and I do feel strongly that “God” (or whatever you choose to call it) brought me and Joey together and wants us to be together. Everyday when I look into Joey’s eyes I see God’s work. For me that is something I want to acknowledge.
(Photo by Brooke Jensen)
Surrounding ourselves with the most important people in our lives and exchanging vows, is an important thing whether or not the government (or my coworker) views it that way. Love is truly a miraculous thing, and no one should have to explain its reasoning. However…
Some people still feel the need to ask these questions and perhaps its our duty to educate them about what marriage means to us all. Maybe it will change their views, maybe not. So when my coworker returned to me in the break room the next day and smugly asked
Coworker: So you never answered my question, why have a wedding if its not even legal?
My reply was clear and precise:
“Because I’m in love with him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and thats really all the reason I need. Why did you get married?”
Did no one ever teach that woman basic manners!?! Jeez! I like your response.
What beautiful thoughts. Preach it, brother! Amen.
That one can find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with is all the reason required. Beautiful thoughts and keep up the message.
Hey Derek,
Just wanted to let you know that when you post the blogs, I reach each one. They are normally very fun and I’m really happy for the two of you.
This one was fantastically written, and great to read. People who can’t wrap their minds around the concept of love between two people no matter their gender really drive me up the wall. Keep on keeping on.
I am so proud of my son and his fiancee Joey. They have dealt with more than rudeness in the past years. Neighbors have threatened them with violence in the past, and recently their door has been bombarded with trash and eggs. They have handled all of this with dignity and grace. Both my children have always shown great integrity in who they chose as friends, and who they share their lives with as well. It is the love and commitment that are important, and I am so glad that my Justin with his sweet Nikki, and my Derek with his wonderful Joe have found that. We will celebrate both unions with intense joy!
Loved the post, Derek. Isn’t it amazing that no matter where you work, idiots are always there and always say the wrong thing? You have a great attitude and a great outlook, and that’s awesome.
I have enjoyed your posts so much!!! I read them as soon as you post to my husband:) We truly look forward to each new one!! Our congratulations to you both!! You DO have the “main ingredient” for marriage and it shows!!! Regardless of someone elses ignorance. Blessings and a wonderful life, full of happiness for both of you and your families:)
I asked this question to a lesbian couple just yesterday. We were out in Cincinnati, doing their engagement shoot and getting food and getting to know each other and surprising old men and police officers by having to women kiss in public! I asked them, not because I am a rude straighty who can’t keep her close-mindedness to herself. I asked because I had two gay friends, years ago, who had been together for quite some time. They had rings, they had a house, but they had never had a marriage. I asked them when they were going to get married and have me photograph it and they gave me a very sad answer of it not being worth the trouble since it is not legal and they’re together so who cares anyway?
I have found in these times of legal questioning that gay marriage has become a bit of a spectacle. If two straighties are getting married, the questions can be rude (about being too young or not knowing each other long enough) but more often, they’re surrounded in congratulations and excitement. If a gay couple gets married, it’s like they’re a science experiment. Everyone is peering in, prodding and poking.
As I have booked two commitment ceremonies this year and had two lesbian engagement sessions in the last two weekends, I have begun to ponder gay marriage. Personally, I never understood why marriage became a legal institution. It doesn’t make sense to me to quantify two people in a legal way because they have decided to partake in a religious ceremony. It seems now, with all the legal shenanigans going on with the gay marriage issue, that marriage has become a circus.
I understand why you were angry with her and that she was rude, but I have definitely entertained the same question myself. Why get married if it isn’t legal? I don’t believe in marriage, honestly, not the way America has set it up. I never really have. And now it seems so much more daunting because of all the politics surrounding it. I can’t imagine how I would feel about marriage, should I ever find someone and embark on such an adventure. I’m so glad that you were able to give that woman a wonderful answer without politics, expressing just what you should be able to express: your love.
I wish we could all get over ourselves and let marriage be nothing but happiness and love and leave all this legal mess out of it.
I wish you tons of marital bliss! Somethings you just never have to answer and dont feel obligated too. Good Luck & Many Blessings!
Wow, D. This is amazing. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life who can truly radiates passion. I love this blog and I love you. xoxo
I’ll confess that I read this yesterday, but didn’t leave a comment, because at the time, I couldn’t think of anything worthy of a response. People these days tend to forget that marriage is supposed to be a commitment ceremony and a celebration of the love you feel with your partner. Instead, it has become a way of spending lavish amounts of money on a party, and just “the next step” after a given amount of time, and many people just give up and divorce when the fight to grow old together gets hard. I commend anyone who believes in the real purpose of marriage and what it truly stands for… that two people in love want to spend their lives together, and want to share that with friends and family. [and on a side note, I’m ecstatic for you and Joey for wanting to share the love you have for each other for the world, and every photo I see of you two makes me wanna cry tears of happiness and believe that soul mates really do exist.
I also meant to comment on the fact that marriage itself is becoming a kind of joke. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve been asked “are you really married or do you just claim that you are” since Ben and I got married. I have to carry a copy of my marriage license around in many cases just to prove it. In many states (and evidently they still count some cases in CA), common law marriage happens as easily as two people simply living together and telling a third party (usually some govt agency) that they’re husband and wife. I think that is the biggest croc on the planet.
nicely said Derek, way to rise above and not go ape on her, I’m not sure I would have been so kind!
re: Fenn’s comment, I agree with the part about weddings, in many instances, becoming a circus. certainly the mass media is going insane with it, and many people fall victim to the frenzy. but all weddings are not crazy over-the-top, many many weddings still happen for the right reasons, in practical ways. also I don’t agree about weddings being religious ceremonies. some of us do not practice any kind of religion and still wish to take the vows. I would not say take the law out of marriage! just include everyone. and if you can’t have the law behind your marriage, take the vows anyway because it’s a powerful experience. being married is different than just living together, though it’s hard to describe what’s changed. but it’s awesome.
Nicely put ddayporter! While for me marriage is a spiritual thing, I do agree it doesnt have to be. Originally I was going to write this as a two parter with the second half focusing on all the legal reasons why marriage is important and the scary things a couple can encounter down the line if they aren’t in some way legally bound to each. I chose to focus on the positive message of love though, since I think its more often than not lost in the cloud of legalities.
I think Fenn feels some frustration with the ideas of weddings and less with the idea of marriage. For me I chose to have a wedding cause I wanted to share the moment with family and friends, i think there are some moments in the human experience that require celebrating and the joining of two lives is one of them. A party is a nice way to do so.
Its easy to loose sight though of whats important while familes and friends keep telling you how important the cake table is, or how important it is you have a guestbook, or something old and new, blue yadda yadda. When really none of that crap matters…
Very touching.I’m so glad Joey found someone to share his life with. Love and kisses to both.
wonderful response to the question.
it’s funny – it had *never* occurred to me to not get married for lack of legal recognition. but apparently i’m the only one. my fiance originally felt that there wasn’t much point given that (she has, obviously, changed her mind).
the thing that amazes me is that i have gotten fairly few questions of that sort from my straight friends (quite possibly for fear of being rude), but almost every gay person i know has brought it up. usually in the form of “so, where are you going?” but, ugh! i don’t need to go anywhere to get a (meaningless) license for it to be a real wedding!
I cannot agree with you more Derek. It saddens me that there are people that do not take marriage seriously and yet can make it legal just to end in messy divorce. I know how much the two of you love each other and I wish the world was different. I am proud to be a witness to your wedding and could not be happier about the commitment that the two of you are making to each other.
I just popped over from another website to your post here and i must say it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Being straight and from Canada I’ll never run into the questions and difficulties you face. But I must say you faced them with grace and with a beautiful reasoning.
Marriage should not be bound in legal terms, anyone who is as in love as you are should be allowed to legally marry, you’ll do a whole lot better then many straight married couples.