In my last post about our engagement photos, I was still struggling to find an outfit that I loved, but wouldn’t come across as too definitive in our relationship roles. Bridesmate Beth was concerned that wearing a fancy vest and pants could be a little ‘butch’, which was a frustrating but accurate thought. What really constitutes a butch lesbian anyway? Well, I was unsure of the exact definition, so I looked it up.
According to the highly regarded, but academically unsound UrbanDictionary.com, a butch lesbian is defined as an overtly/stereotypically masculine or masculine-acting woman. Can be used to denote an individual, or the dominant role in a lesbian relationship. Huh. Then, my little internet definition adventure took me into sub-categories: Stone Butch, Sport Dyke, Soft Butch, Chapstick Lesbian, Fellagirly, Gym Queen, Tomboy Femme, Futch and the list goes on and on! I’m all for defining oneself, but on any given day, I could fit into any of these labels and more! If the labels were sewn into jeans, I could even be a Blue Jean Femme.
Why are we, as a community, so quick to jump to assumptions about others gender identities and relationship roles? And why are we so adamant on sticking to the traditional hetero-normative definition of what a couple should be? (Excuse that last sentence, I sort of threw up in my mouth as I typed it, but it is still true– vomit inducing or no.) I’ll be the first to admit that if I saw a photo of a lady in a dress and her partner (who happens to be…um….. ‘cherubic’ in weight) in pants, I too would make a quick decision on their relationship roles (aka who was butch or femme). But what if you saw that cherubic gal in a skirt and her lady in workout clothes, showing off her super-toned arms? Who is the ‘butch’ now? Because on any given day, that is little ol’ me and my bicep crushing Deborah.
Deborah and I in the summer of '08 at The 'Shoe on Ohio State University's campus in some of our typical outfits. Photo by Bridesmate Ashlea
So, what’s a gal and her gal to do? For our casual outfits, we wore these:
Deborah wore this Mossimo Dress from Target (photo from Target.Com)
I wore this fun dress with a white cardigan and some leggings! (Photo from Target.com)
And for our super casual, Deborah wore her favorite pair of khaki shorts and a layered tank. I wore my trusty jean skirt with leggings and a cardigan. And as for my dressy outfit? The outfit that caused all of this frustration? Well, I just went with what made me look and feel sexy and confident. The outfit just happened to be a pant suit from Anne Taylor… this time around. I paired it with a silky blue tank and some seriously sexy red patent leather heels! I truly feel that our photos will be completely representative of us, as people and a couple. Personally, I felt pretty, feminine and empowered. The best part is knowing that even if random people see these photos and decide I am ‘the dude’, I know that Deborah sees me as her fiancée and future wife– at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
At the end of the day, you’re right, her opinion is the one that matters… Yeah!
love it. my partner is often viewed as the more “butch” of the two of us, and it used to really irk me that people assumed our appearances somehow indicated roles in our relationship. I’m at a point now, however, that I don’t even care. I’m sure your photos are great!
Yay for wearing whatever you dang well feel like, and to heck with the whole gender role nonsense! I’ll be writing a post soon looking at this topic from another angle, and I’ll be curious to know your thoughts on it. Can’t wait to see your photos!
first, of course, yay for you, because “I just went with what made me look and feel sexy and confident” is totally the point! and y’all are super cute, so i suspect your photos will be too =)
but…as a gender nerd and femme some of the gender stuff doesn’t really ring true to me.
i suppose it’s primarily because i think this (very common!) assumption that butch (or femme, or gender altogether) is all about clothing is a bit silly. it’s kind of like saying that when a woman puts pants on she becomes a man.
“Why are we, as a community, so quick to jump to assumptions about others gender identities and relationship roles?”
honestly, i don’t think we are. i think the “gay community” is far slower with that sort of thing than most of the “straight world.” after all, with straight folks people are so “certain” of people’s roles that no one even bothers to talk about them. at least we cause enough confusion to make people think ;)
anyhow, i don’t suppose you can control what random people think of your gender, but if it makes you feel better i would be highly unlikely to think of anyone in a pantsuit as butch (never mind the heels ;)! unless, of course, they told me otherwise, because it’s really all about self-identity, not what people stick on you, although it is nice when those things line up.
and, as you said, how you feel and how she feels about it are really the important parts, so it sounds like you’ve got it made. (sorry this was so long!)
Thanks for bringing up this issue in your posts, I have been dealing with this as well while planning for engagement photos. I absolutely hate all these “butch” and “femme” labels because as you said, it seems like an attempt to put us all in heteronormative gender roles. I’m a woman, my fiancee is a woman, and it’s ridiculous for anyone to assign us al alternative gender unless we do so. We’ve decided to both wear dresses for the formal part of the photos and bring comfortable jeans for the informal part just to drive home the point and because to us, formal wear means dresses.